


no place to return to

by llien



Series: your sleeplessness; your grief [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Missing Scene, Post-Canon, Post-Kingdom Hearts III
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 17:56:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17688137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llien/pseuds/llien
Summary: Sora and Kairi are gone and Riku tries—fails—tries to heal the hole in his heart.





	no place to return to

**Author's Note:**

> Set after Sora leaves to find Kairi, and during the beach scene. This is a reflection of the dream theory, which in essence claims that most or part of KHIII is set in a dream. If that's true or not, even in this fic, is up to you.

Riku knew.

It haunted him, gripping around him tight with a suffocating affection, whispering incessantly _you made a mistake a mistake a mistake a mistake again again again—_

 _I didn’t,_ Riku thought fiercely to himself. _I couldn’t stop him._

He’d known Sora would go after her. There hadn’t been a single doubt, save a small hope that for once— maybe— he’d choose—

No, no, those were thoughts he couldn’t entertain. They were selfish, morbidly indulgent, and Riku had already learned his lesson, hadn’t he? Selfish behavior would be punished, rightly so. He’d destroyed worlds and changed lives on a impulse he hadn’t shaken off like he should have. His childish desires, so unimportant, had grabbed destiny within their small hands and wrenched it apart into indelible paths, and _Riku had learned better._

Way to Dawn had shattered because his heart had changed. Wasn’t that evidence? Braveheart was strong, and it culminated all of Riku’s hopes and dreams perfectly. To be brave of heart, and have the reach to protect all he should.

_Save one save one save one save one save one—_

_I haven’t failed him!_ Riku grit out, clenching his hands. Sora would be safe. Sora would be fine. Sora never broke promises— that was Riku’s job, wasn’t it?

Sora had said he’d come back, and Riku would believe in him. Sora had done the impossible before. Sora had a heart so strong, he’d housed three guardians of light and healed broken souls. Sora was so strong, his heart so fierce, that even Xehanort had bequeathed him the X-blade.

Riku believed in Sora.

_You’re scared you’re scared you’re scared you’re scared—_

Keeping busy was the best he could do, while he waited. This had been Kairi’s job, once upon a time, when she wasn’t too busy being kidnapped. It was a little hard for Riku not to be bitter. He’d once did all he could to save Kairi. He’d kept her safe, had hunted for her across worlds to find the one who’d abducted her, and he’d even found her keyblade. Yet, something had begun to crack between them.

He didn’t know if it was the physical or temporal distance, or if maybe she or he or they had changed, but it was different. His sarcastic dry humor didn’t amuse her, and her unapologetic pride irritated him. Shouldn’t she be humbled by now? Shouldn’t she be _ashamed_ like Riku?

She hadn’t done anything, really, but Riku was afraid.

He was afraid that Sora would start to bear the marks of a burden he could no longer take.

Still, he didn’t let it show. She wasn’t here to see it, anyway.

He brought Naminé to Twilight Town, and felt something in his heart quiet when he held her hand in his. A nameless sweet contentment flooded his heart of hearts at her constrained, hesitant smile. He passed her into Hayner-Pence-Olette’s hands, and they folded her into their trio with joy, chattering about ice cream and clock towers and sunsets so beautiful she’d draw them just to always keep it with her. Riku promised her, with kindness, that Roxas was waiting.

Riku escorted Mickey home, too. He met Minnie properly, who promptly demanded a friend of Mickey’s was a friend of hers, so no titles needed, and both Donald and Goofy carefully avoided being alone with Riku. He didn’t blame them.

Next, he visited the Land of Departure.

It was different than the last time he’d been there. Castle Oblivion had changed completely, in a stunning way. Riku swore he’d wiggle the answer out of Aqua.

The land was beautiful. Not in the same way as his islands, but there was a certain regality to it. He was still wearing his uniform, since rogue heartless and nobodies peppered some of the worlds, and the sharp sting of air made the hair on his skin rise. He chafed at it roughly, shaking the chill off best he could. The wind was brisk, and the lethargic flags waved at him as he approached the castle.

Riku gasped silently in awe, eyes roving over the stained glass windows and high, arching white architecture. Gold glinted at him teasingly in blinking flashes when the clouds passed over the sun, and life seemed to breathe in every nook and cranny. It was astoundingly different, so much so that Riku couldn’t believe it was the same place. The grass was a vibrant green, and the training grounds he spotted were meticulously maintained. Winding gray stone pathways guided Riku closer, and just when he was growing hesitant about how exactly you should approach a castle, a shout from a window drew his attention.

Looking up, Riku spotted Ventus waving excitedly before he promptly disappeared. Riku waited a good few minutes until the front doors swung open with a tired put-out groan, and Ven was running towards him, blond hair wild as ever.

“Riku!” Ven skidded to a spot before him, but still seemed to be somehow moving he was so energetic. “You should’ve said you were coming! One of us would’ve waited for you, or uh ya know, greeted you. With manners and all—” he cut himself like too many words had attempted to exit at once, did a strange jitter, then waved him closer, “come on inside! Terra and Aqua are gonna be so happy to see you!”

“Uh, sure,” Riku managed, taken aback by all of Ven’s enthusiasm. Last time he’d seen Ven, he hadn’t seemed so... much. “So, how’s everyone been?”

“Good, good,” Ven nodded, leading Riku towards the castle entrance. “Aqua likes taking walks and Terra’s been doing a lot of training. Something about feeling displaced?”

Riku side-eyed Ven as he finally got level in pace. “And you?”

“Ah,” Ven laughed a little, meeting Riku’s glance. He seemed to catch on faster than Riku assumed, which granted was an unfair assumption given how little Riku knew of Ven in the first place, but Riku… he thought, in a way, that _he’d_ still be… “It’s that noticeable, huh? I don’t know,” Ven mused, passing the threshold with Riku in tow. “Somehow, I feel like I have to make-up for something.”

“Something,” Riku repeated, but then he got a good glimpse of the entryway and he had to snap his teeth shut to avoid a dropped jaw. Even the king’s palace wasn’t this grand. It nearly intimidated Riku, but Ven didn’t seem to pay any attention, walking across the foyer as if… well, like it was his home. Which it was. Riku smiled a little. “I can understand that.”

Ven took a small breath. “I don’t know if Sora told you?”

Even his name hurt, now.

“I kind of… kind of remember,” Ven continued, scratching at his temple through his hair, staring straight ahead. “It was like I was dreaming. I don’t remember _dreaming_ of being sleep — that’d be weird, huh? — but I remember knowing I’d been asleep. Or he had been. Uh. It’s a little confusing, honestly.”

Riku frowned, heart steadily beginning to sink. “Exactly _how much_ do you know?”

Ven laughed awkwardly. “More than you’d like. Probably. Uhm.”

Riku wanted to hide his face. So it was obvious even to someone in a _dream_ but Sora still couldn’t see it? Amazing. “Great.”

His tone must’ve been a cut too dry, because Ven did a 180 on his heel to wave his hands excitedly. “It’s not bad! Or! I don’t disapprove, well I’m not his _dad_ but I did kind of know him since he was a kid and I was sixteen though I’m still sixteen and he is too now which is _really_ weird but uhh my point was I don’t dislike it! Not that I guess it really matters if I do but maybe it does to you or like, all of us would kind of not hesitate to protect him at this point so maybe it should matter to you if we do. Approve. You know?”

Riku stared.

Ven dropped his head and sighed. “Aqua keeps saying I do that.”

“The making up for something?” Riku asked, since he couldn’t quite find any other polite way to phrase what was essentially a total lack of control, and because his mind was reeling at that onslaught of information. Ven was essentially acting out the whole _meet the parents_ thing for a relationship that didn’t technically exist over a person who also technically didn’t—

“Yeah,” Ven groused. “I can’t help it. It’s like, suddenly, I can _do_ things. I’m in control. This whole time had been like a dream, but it felt so real… and now that it’s actually real, I feel like I can’t let a single chance slip by. Sometimes,” Ven laughed, self-deprecating, “sometimes, I still wonder if all this is real.”

_Or not?_

“I’ve felt like that before,” Riku admitted. It was easier now than it was before to open up, but a part of Riku suspected it was because of who Ven was, or had been. “Realizing you’re in control and you can just… do things. Even opening your hand, or grabbing something.”

“Yes!” Ven breathed, turning shining bright eyes on Riku. “Being able to touch what I want, how I want, _when_ I want… I can’t help it.” His voice broke a little, and he laughed again, this time embarrassed. “Oh, geez. That’s been happening a lot, too. Probably because it’s lonely.”

Riku tilted his head. “What is?”

Ven smiled, holding his hand over his chest, but it was small and sad. “My heart, I think. It hasn’t been alone for years, after all.”

_I wish I understood._

He bit the thought down viciously, but he couldn’t control the hot flash of jealousy that wrapped around his tongue, seething along his teeth, waiting to drip poison. Riku had _learned_ better.

“Anyways,” Ven shook his head, blond hair bouncing, as if to physically dispel it all. “Let me take you to Aqua and Terra! They should be making lunch right about now.”

“Oh,” Riku murmured, following as Ven set off again up a flight of stairs. “I didn’t mean to visit when you were about to eat.”

“Don’t worry about it!” Ven laughed off, waving his hand backwards. “The more, the better. The castle’s a bit too big for just the three of us anyways.”

Ven chattered about various facts and memories as he led the way, pointing to iconic parts of the castle that more or less had to deal with Ven creating some kind of catastrophe. It was familiar, funny even, and Riku found himself laughing when Ven managed to convince Terra that sliding down an ice covered rail was a perfectly acceptable idea, until they discovered Master Eraqus waiting for them at the bottom with a cocked brow and a shockingly disappointed expression.

“To this day,” Ven continued, “I don’t think I’ve seen a more perfect expression of sheer disbelief than what Master had on. It was scary then, but now it’s funny.” He fell quiet, though, and Riku shifted awkwardly in place, his own smile dying. Thankfully, Ven spoke first, “Here, through these doors and it’s the kitchen.”

He pushed the double doors open and Riku blinked as stainless steel and a decidedly modern kitchen greeted him. So much of the castle was archaic in nature that this was a surprise.

Aqua stood humming as she mixed something in a bowl at a center table facing away from them, and Terra was stirring a pot with a terrified, if determined, expression. There was a spread of completed side dishes that Ven wasted no time hurrying soundlessly over, thieving a piece of something Riku couldn’t quite catch.

Aqua’s back was to Ven and she still snapped with frightening precision, _“Ven.”_

He winced, food bit halfway to mouth. “Uh… yes, Aqua?”

“Don’t make me turn around,” she warned, tapping her whisk vigorously against the edge of a bowl with a motion more reminiscent of cracking a whip.

Ven nervously laughed and placed the food gingerly back with the tips of his fingers. “Uhm! Guess who’s here!”

“Who?” Terra obliged, still peering fearfully into the pot.

Ven shuffled to the side of Riku then gestured in a grand manner towards all of him. “Riku!”

Aqua dropped her whisk and Terra hit the side of the pot hard enough to make a dull clang echo in the kitchen. As one, they turned to face him.

Riku lifted a hand. “Hi.”

Aqua’s surprise melted into pleased happiness. “Riku!” She strode towards him and reached to cup his cheek, an action that startled him into stiffening. Instead, she let her hand fall to her side. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be too forward. I’m so used to,” _Sora,_ “that I... “ she shook her head.

Luckily, Terra stepped up before any of what Riku was feeling showed on his face. “Riku! It’s good to see you, but what brings you all the way out _here?”_

“Hey,” Ven ribbed Terra while tugging on a corner of Riku’s shirt meaningfully, “you sound like you don’t want him here.”

Riku dropped his gaze to white tile. “Oh. I shouldn’t have imposed—”

Terra’s eyes flew wide. “No no no no no that’s not what I meant! Bad choice of words! We’re just so far and you’ve got your own galaxy and—”

Ven broke into laughter first, and with a snort Riku followed, until even Aqua was giggling, and Terra, gradually growing red, dropped his frantic placating to grumble that they needed to stop doing that.

The laughter eased them out of the awkward, fragile, mournful reality into something a little more gentle, easier. They were still healing and adjusting, especially when someone was still missing, but quick humor and enthusiastic cheer helped hide it, like they were all sitting back to back, aware but able to ignore it.

“Seriously,” Terra insisted. “What’s the visit for? I’m happy to see you, but is everything..?”

“There’s nothing new,” Riku answered quickly, because _everything is okay_ was a lie even Riku couldn’t stomach. “I just wanted to pay my respects and check in.”

Aqua glanced at him and Riku met her gaze. There was a weight there, an understanding Riku didn’t want, and he looked away, flushing. She knew. Maybe not as much as Ven, but she knew what he was doing, and why.

She didn’t mention it. “Well, you’ve got great timing,” Aqua said, “we’re just about done preparing for lunch. Why don’t you and Ven set the table, I’ll finish frosting, and Terra can finally stop acting like there’s a fire core hiding in the soup and ladle some out.”

“It shouldn’t be bubbling like that Aqua!” Terra hissed, reluctantly heading back to the stove.

“It’s just fine!”

Ven snicked, snagging Riku by the wrist to lead him to a pantry. The casual familiarity shocked him, but Riku was reluctant to draw attention to it. He let himself be led, memorizing the weight and feel of Ven’s fingers tight around his wrist, remembering a similar grip, another time, another place, another laugh.

“They’re always like that,” Ven whispered conspiratorially. Riku opened his eyes. “At least that didn’t change.”

He cracked a half-smile. At the very least, right?

They set the table, a scant four plates for a grand hall that could seat twenty, and lunch were served with gusto. Ven relived old jokes and memories for Riku’s benefit, and he regaled them with some familiar ones, too, of Destiny Islands.

Halfway through his meal Ven nearly choked laughing, and he hurried to tell them of a dream he had where a monster scared Vanitas and threw him through door after door. He nearly cried laughing, and they gave him a few chuckles at that.

Afterwards, Aqua snagged Ven for clean-up duty, waving Riku and Terra off. Terra conceded with a chuckle, and decided to show Riku the training grounds.

“You know,” Terra said, walking slowly with his arms behind his back, leisurely. As if he had all the time in the world. “I remember seeing you.”

Riku frowned, hands at his sides. “Me?”

The stained glass threw prisms of colors on the floor, dappling their shoes, legs, Riku’s hands as they swayed. The hall was white, and the sounds from the kitchen had faded, until it felt like only he and Terra existed in this space.

“Yeah,” Terra nodded, tilting his head up towards the ceiling. “When I was…” he gestured vaguely towards his mouth. “It’s kind of blurry, but whenever… he needed it, I could see, sometimes. I didn’t really have this great grasp of what _I_ was or, what was going on… but now I remember you. You were so small,” Terra murmured.

Riku wanted to protest, but he only felt embarrassed. He could feel his ears growing warm, and he ducked his head.

“Just this kid with such a bright, warm light. And now look at you. I’ve barely blinked and you’re all grown up.”

Riku laughed, rubbing under his nose to avoid Terra’s heavy gaze. “It’s been a long time since I last saw you. _You_ you.”

“I remember,” Terra continued. There was something about him. Riku didn’t understand it, but in an odd way, he’d wanted to see Terra and had no qualms just… dropping in. Of visiting just because he wanted to. Terra had been one of his earliest memories.

“I kept it. My promise,” Riku clarified. “I never told Sora.”

Terra blinked, then laughed in bright surprise. “That old thing? Wow.” He laughed some more, and they continued walking in a silence that was peaceful. It was odd, to Riku. The only times he’d really found quiet companionship was with Mickey while in the realm of darkness, or when he and Sora and Kairi would lay on the seashore, drifting in daydreams of grandeur.

Riku closed his eyes, letting himself be guided by Terra’s breathing, the muted thuds of footfalls, of the warmth of his presence. He felt _real_ and _there,_ a sentiment that made Riku’s throat ache. He hadn’t realized how much he’d wanted to see Terra.

At the threshold of the door, the sunlight streamed in, turning pale marble gleaming white, and Terra faced him with a smile as if Riku was still a child.

He reached over and fondly ruffled Riku’s hair. “I’m proud of you, Riku.”

 _Even with all my mistakes?_ Riku thought, biting back on his teeth and looking down at his shoes, avoiding the truth in Terra’s gaze. _Even when I’m a failure?_

_Even when Sora, the one we all needed, isn’t here anymore because I said it was okay?_

Terra’s hand rested heavy, and his words healed an old ache Riku had resigned himself to bearing. “No matter what, I’m proud of the you who’s standing in front of me. You’ve worked so hard, Riku.”

_Thank you._

 

After the Land of Departure, Riku visited Yen Sid’s tower. There was little news. Yen Sid had no idea where either Kairi or Sora were. The stars, the planets, the galaxies — all empty.

With a frustrated growl and as much self-control as he could muster, he thanked Yen Sid and didn’t slam the door. He did, however, throw himself into training.

_For what, for what, for what?_

Riku visited Radiant Garden a second time, checking in on Ienzo, and asking one too many questions about the vessels Ienzo was still working on. He gave Riku a one-eyed stare, opened his mouth as if to ask, but visibly decided against it. Riku spent a few days there pouring over data and records and experiments, going again and again over Naminé’s success.

Kairi hadn’t been here, but here Naminé was…

_Bad idea, selfish idea, haven’t you learned your lesson yet, Ri-ku?_

When he’d stuffed his brain as much as he could tolerate without actually resigning himself to the discipline, he thanked Ienzo and his team and left to Twilight Town again.

It’d only been a short-unbearable time, but Naminé had adjusted fairly well. She shyly showed her sketchbook, filled with real friends, real people, and real places she’d been to.

There was one more, though. A gift, she told him. She handed it to him face down, and told him to look when he was alone.

It was of him and Sora, with oranges and blues and something heart rending and yearning between them. Riku’s heart stuttered, and his lungs cursed him with every breath, and he wandered, desperately, _when_ this drawing was.

_A dream a dream a dream a dream._

_Shut up,_ Riku hissed, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes.

Sora’s voice fell quiet.

 

They were on the islands. It might’ve been Ven, or possible Xion, though it could have just as well been clingy Lea who suggested it, but they’d made it a routine to meet up occasionally. Yen Sid christened it with the notion of the Guardians needing to touch base, but they all knew it was a glorified vacation.

Aqua beat him at swimming, Roxas and Ven played _whose who?_ with alarming success, save Lea-Axel who had them memorized. Xion built a sand castle to rival the Land of Departure’s, and Naminé drew enough portraits to fill a gallery.

Terra handed Axel-Lea his ass in combat, then fondly laughed when several hands shot up at the mention of training. Roxas and Ven sparred but they both became so competitive that Lea-Axel sharply called it off before either of them gave him a heart attack.

Saix-Isa was slowly wormed in via Axel-Lea, and he quickly schooled Ven in strategy, though Roxas turned his nose up at it and finally cut off the whole attached at the hip thing he was doing with Ven. Xion surprisingly didn’t mind Isa-Saix, and took to his lessons with fierce determination.

Aqua was more than happy to show off her magic, and Roxas was determined to finally better something he was apparently poor at, though in Riku’s opinion he was already a powerhouse who could do with a few flaws.

They all seemed just fine without Sora.

_Is this real is this real is this real is this real?_

_Shut up shut up shut up._

_Ri-ku Ri-ku Ri-ku._

_Sora, please._

It wasn’t him. Riku knew it wasn’t. They kept up their vacations, Riku kept busy, Riku was never at the islands unless they all were, and he waited.

Finally, though, his belief was rewarded.

His heart stirred, crying out, and he looked up to find the untouched paopu tree no longer lonely.

Sora and Kairi sat there. Riku could’ve sworn time stopped, that the whole world did, that even the ocean held its breath and the land trembled. He felt, all at once, what he knew this was.

_I missed you._

_I looked everywhere for you._

Sora disappeared again, and Riku knew he couldn’t wait anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> That's not actually Sora talking to Riku. It's really just Riku's own doubts, though it's not too apparent. 
> 
> _No matter what they say  
>  I can't help fearing  
> your fate_
> 
> _Let's submit to our endless pain  
>  and continue the journey, darling  
> I have no place to go home to other than you  
> Not on heaven or earth_


End file.
